poof. it feels better letting it out. but then, i got other stuff to worry about apart from that. haiz. family stuff. that explains my emo-ness for the past week. but at least i think i'm getting better. (: baoru 加油加油加油! (:

i was thinking of doing a long long post, a reflection on my 3 and slightly more than half a year in NJCOGZ, but i think i'll give up half way cos i'm just typing what comes to mind. J2s will officially step down after 5th June's concert and i thought it'll be great to seal the memories, experience gained as well as lessons learnt. i should say, i've grown so much from the naiive IP1 to now, a graduating J2. how time really flies.

2004
started my first practice in november as ms lim asked me to join NJCOGZ. this was when i made my promise to her that i'll not quit and switch to other cca-s. i guess that was what really kept me in guzheng. i couldnt let her down even if i'm not happy being there.

i should say my first impression of the state of NJGZ wasnt a good one. there was much to adapt to as there wasnt a proper practicing area like that of NY. that was the first time i had to carry the 12kg gz from the small co room to one of the classrooms at TA which was considerably far. but now that i look back, i think it had been a good exercise for me as i can now carry the gz and a set of the stands together with ease. apart from carrying instru, before using the classroom, we had to clear the tables and chairs first which is such a tiring job as most people dont like to do it. but what really surprised me most were the seniors' attitude. i miss those days where there's much initiative and that actually motivates me to do these fast. all the seniors help with arranging the tables and chairs, not like now, if no one starts the flow, the others will just stand around and let time pass. such a waste of time. and to be honest, at times i had to start the flow and people take their own sweet time to follow. why?

i thought i will be the loner during my first very lesson but i'm glad i wasnt left alone. ms lim made me join part 2 and the seniors are really nice. when ms lim gave breaks, they asked me along to the canteen and showed me around a bit. haha. i remembered one of them saying. "yes. she sknows how to play. can share our burden." now that i think about it, it seems in the past, there werent so much cca politics. or perhaps it was just me, i was not in it yet.

2005
major events include SYF and the annual concert Aurora.

i was glad i could get a chance to play. most people would have missed the chance due to the transition to JC. i would say i was quite shocked at the standards of NJGZ as i was considered one of the better players even though back in NY, i was one of the lousiest. i got to play small solo parts and that was where i guess i started to develop a proper interest in playing gz pieces well. i learnt to express my interpretation of the music and i guess that makes me different from the rest. plus my fellow gz mate's a super pro and he teaches me new stuff, gz sessions was great. and yes. i really mean was. it's the past. maybe it's just me, perhaps because i was the youngest back then, that's why they treated me really well. and i really appreciate them for it.

i really admire how much effort my seniors put in. we had intensive practices before SYF and i could always feel the spirit of the songs. the president also lead well as she often make us play the song and she listens to them and pin-pointing the small mistakes we always make. all these never happened again after that batch graduated. i should say it became more slack.

then came the exco elections and yes. i got my first taste of cca politics. i ran for exco without experience and was the youngest. i could still remember the president's (who was my NY cca leader as well as the one who auditioned me together with the tchr in charge when 6 of us were "fighting" for 2 places in NYGZ) question during the election speech day "being the youngest, how would you make final decisions for the entire co population?" it wasnt hard to give a politically right answer but to me, it meant a lot, especially the high responsibilty level when we move to a jc. in sec sch, i should say most of us are quite spoon fed but in a jc, i learnt that we need to make decisions ourselves, in the best interest of everyone. and most of the time, it's a hard choice. there's always much to sacrifice. all the preparation and yes like everyone says, the exco does the "sai-kang". for me now, those were the days.

i could still rmb Aurora 6, after i got into exco. i rmb losing my temper at my senior but she was so forgiving. i rmb the whole cca pic where there was at least 100 members. i should say 2005 was one of my best years. like how mr tek puts it, we were at our peak.

2006
Aurora 7
got to play solo for which i was so disappointed with myself. nevertheless, it was a very good experience as i finally understand what it's like playing solo on stage. it is really scary.

Japan trip
the trip we looked forward to for so long. that was the last event before my batch of exco steps down. i should say i was glad i got to perform solo at japan. now that i think back, i feel sorry for my fellow gz mate. i was given the chance and not him. so currently, i'm in such a situation but i learnt to accept that yes, my juniors do deserve a chance too. 既然经历过, 把机会让给别人吧. (:

Japan trip brought me closer to my fellow CO mates. or rather i was shocked by one of my fellow gz mate's (whom i was quite close to) personality change. or maybe it was just me, i didnt notice that she was like that. but we're ok now so there's nothing to feel bad about. (: that was why i was with my co friends instead. i should say it was exco that led me to better understand co and their people and again, perhaps because i was still the 小妹妹, they were really nice to me. we had a video (i think it's on youtube. omg. haha) for our Japan trip which is an hour plus long. it captures our week there and our interactions with the students there. gosh. i miss those days really. it was so much fun visiting the various places and yes. disney. haha. was with amelia, ye wee, jingxin and vincent. i can still rmb how they teased me cos i didnt dare sit the go kart myself. in the end i sat with amelia. we played the tea cup and ye wee and i were spinning like siao. i think everyone was looking at us cos we just didnt stop till the end. and yes. we went space mountain consecutively 3 times and i sat the front seat for 2 times. gosh. vincent and i were really 自-highing. he still teased me saying i wont dare to seat the front seat. whatever. i got through it. (: and yes. haunted mansion. amelia was so scared, vincent and i were making funny noises at her (cos the chair could sit 3 people and she sat in the middle and vincent and i on each of her sides) to freak her out. haha. we went it's a small world too and the song kept ringing in my head after the boat ride. ): disney is super fun! we went shopping too and the pooh's honey hut is so cute and fun. too bad we had to skip the night parade for it. ): i dunno. somehow i feel so much better with seniors. we could just fool around, joke and play so hard, not like now. it's so different. this makes me think what exactly does friendship really mean?

2007 (ok. i'm kinda dying now. i'm gonna give up soon.)
i should say this is where i start to feel that being in NJCOGZ was a total wrong choice. erm. by balancing the happiness and the reality that i've seen out of people, it seems it's more inclined towards how evil people can be and that makes me rethink my choice being in NJGZ. i became unhappy. i dread cca.

the turning point came during elections. from my point of view, it's the email that casued the subsequent happening. many of my friends and even i myself thought my chance of getting into exco was high but in the end, it wasnt the case. i was depressed over it. cried for a few days but i understood the reason i didnt get in. and i'm thankful i'm not in the mess. from an evil point of view, it's a very good chance for me to laugh at the exco for the state they're in for which i felt that if i'm in, i could have did something better. from another point of view, i felt sad for those who truly wanted to contribute but somehow they are not given the equal amount of chance to share their perceptions. the worse thing for me is that i cant do anything to help them because i've got no authority. by that plain reason, i kept it to myself. they talk to me, i'll listen and empathise with them. that's the least i could do. i talk to the pres, secretary and gz's exco. i'm just surprise i can take it. i learnt to appreciate not being in the circle. seeing it from outside the circle allows me to see so much more at times.

2008
guan mo hui's tmr and concert's in a week's time. more cca politics. the teacher said he never saw an exco that cannot self run. i feel 对不起 towards the teacher advisor. i should say he's the only teacher i respect the most. he put in so much effort to build up the whole cogz to the peak in 2005 and yet the cca is going downhill. sometimes i really wonder what will happen after my batch graduates. what's worse, i was thinking along the lines of 倒台. it's really sad.


i've seen how much i've grown. i've seen how much people have changed these days. from looking at the seniors to now my friends and i being the seniors, it seems we're so incapable. was talking to my friend today and yes. we didnt want our exit from NJCOGZ to be like this. the only thing that's thankful for is that we made new friends and it could be long lasting. however, what else we take away are nothing but unhappiness. as we look at our juniors, we see that we were once as happy, lively and naiive like them but we've changed to become nasty, pushing the responsibilities and being messed up in so much cca politics. why is it that people can be so unrealistic and plan things that are not feasible? why is it always so painful letting it go. is it because we just care too much? but if we dont care, how would the rest pick up in such a short time and on high demand? why is it that things end up happening this way and we're so helpless? why?

it hurts. it really really really hurts that badly. it requires lots of patience to pull through 4 years without feeling sian when there's so much politics.

but till the end, i kept my promise. i need a break.

i thought i 想通了 but it seems i'm wrong. more things are happening! haiz.. maybe i shouldnt care in the first place but that's not my nature. how can i help to change the situation? why is it that some people are just too kind? this is driving me nuts.

that day my friend asked me this question. "what are you most afraid of now?" i guess that struck me really hard. really really really hard. ): maybe i need to clear my thoughts once again. i've got to stop being emo and move on. oh gosh. what is seriously wrong with me?!

added a song. i also dont know why i want it on my blog.

spent a quarter of the day in SP today. i'm like after exam 吃饱没事干, of all places go there. haha. so dumb. some more so far from home, plus going with my sis early in the morning means must wake up early. why should i compromise my sleep? i'm mad i guess. too high after CTs.

so today, although i spent most of the time mugging SATs and doing econs hwk in the library, i still got conclusion and comments to make. wah. better dont trust it cos it must be really biased. never do a lot of research. gosh. i think i'm feeling a bit too high. ok. here it goes:

1. polys are huge. it is impossible to not get lost.
2. polys are good place to do surveys if the survey is targetted at teenagers. (:
3. if you want to see the fashion trend, try polys.
4. the canteens are totally crowded during lunch breaks. worse than in a jc. maybe putting a tissue pack will help save a seat. -.- now i really appreciate jc canteens even though they get super crowded but the condition is not as bad as in a poly.
5. i think poly students can look very fierce.
6. i like the sandwich machine although i think it's ex.
7. i like the library. i bet it probably have the h3 books that my friends cant find. dunno just guessing since there's so many books and so many levels!

comp no batt. i shall stop here. :P

YES! CTs are over. physics was just bad. worse than chem. gosh. i need physics tuition! ): ok. i shant blog the emo stuff. just want to say thanks to those who've been hearing me out these few days, especially ziyin, bingxin, qh and my gor gor. (:

next up on the list:
SATs
concert
holiday hwk. got physics' today and yes. it's even thicker than chem. OMG.

for interested people:

NJCOGZ concert 我们的音乐
5th June 2008 Thursday
7.30pm
Ngee Ann Kongsi Performing Arts Theatre (LT5)

taking a break from studying since it's the weekend. left physics paper. may i at least pass the paper on tues. haiz.. i'm really afraid of my sciences. ):

so far had gp, econs, math and chem. i guess they're all just equally bad. either i borderline pass it or it's a fail. i can forsee the Us on my progress report. haiz.. sometimes i really feel that studying is just useless. no matter how much effort i put in, it's still as bad.

cant wait for tues to come. may physics end on a good note and i'll be spared from the thick stacks of notes for a while before i face the thick blue SATs book. grh. but at least SATs' math is not as hard. just need to mug hard for english. (: that's all. i shall go play some games! whee!

Here's a song that i've been looking for for quite some time. thanks loads gor gor for helping me find it. (:

At the Beginning by Richard Marx and Donna Lewis:

We were strangers starting out on our journey
Never dreaming what we'd have to go through
Now here we are and I'm suddenly standing
At the beginning with you

No one told me I was going to find you
Unexpected what you did to my heart
When I lost hope you were there to remind me
This is the start

(chorus)
And Life is a road and I want to keep going
Love is a river I want to keep flowing
Life is a road now and forever
A Wonderful journey

I'll be there when the world stops turning
I'll be there whenthe storm is through
In the end I wanna be standing
At the beginning with you

We were strangers on a crazy adventure
Never dreaming how our dreams would come true
Now here we stand unafraid of the future
At the beginning with you

(chorus)

I knew there was somebody somewhere
Like me alone in the dark
I know that my dream will live on
I've been waiting so long
Nothing's gonna tear us apart

(chorus)

In the end I wanna be standing at the beginning with you

it reminds me of the farewell party for ms tan last year. it brings back so many memories. the ups and downs. everything related to cca from 2005 to 2007. -i miss ms tan. bittersweetness-

i need to stop letting my thoughts trail off. ):

i feel like hugging a big bear tightly.

CTs will start in about 40 hours time. jia you jia you jia you! (:

Bao Ru
12th January 1990
nvps
nygh
njc


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