Thursday, August 23, 2007 @2:26 AM
i have this urge to blog since the release of the exco results but i just couldnt find the time to do so and i think i'm just totally so bothered about everything that's been happening. i dont know. i feel lost totally. people always say to aim high so that you'll push yourself to work harder and if you didnt get what you wanted, at least you're near your target. now that i think about it. i think it's really all nonsense. it's just a generalisation. it does not and shall never be part of my limited brain cells ever again.
before the start of my anger venting, i shall talk about something else first.
today, on the crowded 852, on my way home from school, there was this boy who told his mother to shift from her seat which is along the aisle to the inner seat. the boy is about primary 5 or 6 i guess and he asked the lady who was standing to sit even though the lady was indicating that he could have the seat since it's his mother in the inner seat. omg. i was touched. ok. maybe i'm just someone who's sensitive but how many young kids nowadays are so courteous? i'm so glad i witnessed that. (:
ok. back to my rumblings. ok. to tell the truth and be honest with everyone who have been so kind and cared for my thoughts, i was utterly disappointed i'm not in exco. i know i did not do well for ct but that's not the primary reason. i seriously feel there's this existence of biasness somewhere. ultimately, i see it as i'm the person at fault and it's the fact that i was the one who created the mess but why. through this, i've really seen how different people can be. i was wrong once again. that email made the difference. i blame myself. why did i do that. but the content said it all. i felt i was given false hope. not just the content but from a few of the closest people that i felt were people whom are really my friends, the people whom i looked up to. i feel cheated. maybe i'm just someone too sensitive and i know habits can change but i thought this is one of the qualities that i have that makes me learn to treasure things such as the experience that others may not have. i'm really at a total lost of words.
looking at the situation now, i feel helpless. i want to do something but how much can i make the diffrence. i understand the pressure present and i want to be there to help them relieve the stress but how? i feel unhappy. it's meaningless for me to stay but i know i may regret it. should i just quit. i look at those leading at the top. not that i feel they are not up to standard. i even give hope to people who feel negatively to the arrangement but how much can that last. i feel myself giving away. i dont know what to do. i want to leave it and move on. but i'll feel guilty for doing so. i dont know if i'm sad or just pissed off or really hate. it's been a long time since i really use the word hate as i know i will give in in the end. what now? i can get over it but i'm hiding. i turn up for practices but i dont enjoy them. i dont feel happy but i always try to in front of the others. why? why should i torture myself? i'll be regretting and the attitude will stay i guess. time wont stop. maybe it's time i move on.